Lewis Grizzard quotes
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. 
It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month. 
I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married. 
You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?' 
The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity. 
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that. 
The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards. 
I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence. 
Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing. All Lewis Grizzard quotes ⇑
There's no such thing as being too Southern.
If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi
God bless Merle Haggard. He did all the things that Johnny Cash was supposed to have done.