Funny +
Witty quotes
⇑
Funny Quotes
An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.Funny Idea
If you're gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty.Funny Short
When you're alone, if you feel lonely, obviously you're in bad companyFunny Loneliness
Do you have any proof that you are not already in heaven and making a mess of it?Funny Short Wisdom
Our presence here is just for a short period of time. We do not have to shorten it by fighting each otherFunny Life Short Time
To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.Funny Life Short Truth
I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being good all the time. That would be hypocrisy.Funny
Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleepFunny Philosophy
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.Funny Women
True love is felonious... You take someone's breath away... You rob them of the ability to utter a single word... You steal a heart.Funny
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.Funny Short Insult
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.Funny Morality
It's easier to love God because it's always easy to love somebody who is not here now, it's so easy. But if you have to love somebody who is sitting next to you right now, it costs lifeFunny God Love Truth
Once you have a child it's a twenty year project. That is if they do well, if they don't do well it's a lifelong projectFunny Life Children
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.Funny Humor Women
Short +
Witty quotes
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Short Quotes
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?Short Humor
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.Short Humor
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.Short Humor World
The intellect is like a knife - the sharper, the better. As long as you know how to handle it.Short Wisdom
The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything, except what is worth knowing.Short Truth Knowing
Some old wounds never truly heal, and bleed again at the slightest word.Short Pain Hurt
She is very clever, too clever for a woman. She lacks the indefinable charm of weakness.Short Humor Women
I must be a mermaid, Rango. I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living.Short Fear Humor
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.Short Humor
Passion is like gasoline in the tank, but you also need a steering wheel to go where you want to goShort Wisdom Passion
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.Short
Just remember, when you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.Short Humor
Give up trying to make me give upShort
Humor +
Witty quotes
⇑
Humor Quotes
I may not agree with you, but I will defend to the death your right to make an ass of yourself.Humor
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.Humor Book Reading
Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hell in such a way that they ask for directions.Humor Art People
I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.Humor Advice
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.Humor Ignorance
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.Humor
A woman, especially if she have the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.Humor Women Knowledge
Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.Humor Thought
If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.Humor Writer
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.Humor
Women like a man with a past, but they prefer a man with a present.Humor Women
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the road less traveled by and they CANCELLED MY FRIKKIN' SHOW. I totally shoulda took the road that had all those people on it. Damn.Humor
Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.Humor Power
Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes.Humor Mistake
Yes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.Humor
Alec: "How do you manage never to get mud on your clothes?", Isabelle: "I'm pure at heart. It repels the dirt."Humor
Now, the trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed.Humor
There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.Humor
A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. This was said by gene wilder... what does it mean?Humor
All Witty Quotes ⇑
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.Truth Humor Humans
In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.Truth Reality Suffering
If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.Truth Laughter People
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.Education Funny Knowledge Knowing
Live simply so others may simply live.Life Humor
You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!Education Funny
Everybody is going to be dead one day, just give them time.Death Funny
Many people die at twenty five and aren't buried until they are seventy five.Death Life Humor
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.Women
Desire is not the source of all misery, unfulfilled desire is the source of all misery.Desire Truth Wisdom
if you are going to make people around you joyful and relieved only when you die, that's not a good way to live.Death Funny Life Philosophy
True freedom is about becoming free from everything, including yourself.Freedom Short Wisdom
New is a trap, old is a cesspool. If you jump out of the cesspool into a new trap, that's not going to helpTruth Wisdom Humanity Reality
You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.Courage Life Pleasure
Sometimes a man wants to be stupid if it lets him do a thing his cleverness forbids.
Love thy neighbor -- and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.Funny Love
Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing.Funny Humor Laughter Food
Everybody is a book of blood; wherever we're opened, we're red.
How do you tell a Communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It's someone who understands Marx and Lenin.Politics Humor
It's not the men in your life that matters, it's the life in your men.Life Short Humor Men
More conflict is happening within the four walls of the homes than is happening anywhere on the planet. Only thing is bombs are not exploding so you don't hear it. They may be giving each other silent treatment.Family Funny Relationship
You cannot rise in love, you cannot stand in love, you cannot fly in love, you have to fall. Something of you should fall, otherwise it will not work. You will not know it.Funny Love Philosophy Relationship
When you were 3-4 years of age you're 100% for marriage, not yours your parents', again when you become 45-50 again you're 100% for marriage, but between 18-35 you're questioning the whole process. Because where the physical body is dominant, at that time if you give in to that then it will question every institutionFunny Marriage Truth
Fear means you're producing horror movies in your mind. Tch.. Nobody else is willing to watch. That's bad for the producer, but you are producing them. So, you produce something else - produce a comedy, a love story..Funny Fear Humor Mind
People think teenage is problem, middle age is problem, old age is problem. What is not the problem? Only death.Death Funny Problems
Loosen up a bit - laugh more, get involved with people around you, do simple things. If you only do very important things, you will become dead seriousFunny Truth Wisdom People
If you learn to laugh at your own stupidity, all your crap will turn into manure very fast. And manure is good for growthFunny Wisdom Growth Laughter
Contentment is a poor substitute for joy. It means you have given up on the possibility of living joyfullyInspirational Joy Possibility
To love the person who is next to you is the biggest challenge. To love somebody who is not here is always easyFunny Love Relationship Truth
Before you and I came here on this planet, a countless number of people have walked on this planet, where are they? All topsoil. You will also be topsoil unless someone buries you real deep fearing you may rise from the deadDeath Funny Truth Wisdom
Yet each man kills the thing he loves, By each let this be heard, Some do it with a bitter look, Some with a flattering word, The coward does it with a kiss, The brave man with a swordCourage Love
Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success.Friendship Humor Suffering
You must have a cigarette. A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, and it leaves one unsatisfied. What more can one want?Funny Pleasure
Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length.Happiness Short
"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." I really hate this expression. I bet fish would totally want bicycles.Funny Humor Man woman
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.Funny Short Humor
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.Funny Humor
If you are a believer, you know your God is waiting for you when you die, why don't you go? why are you delaying your progress towards God by going to hospitals? It is because you are not a true believerFunny God Religion Belief
You people are cutting people's bodies; this is like murder but with good intention. If the consequence is good it's called a surgery, if consequence is bad it's called a murder, isn't it? Same knife.Funny Perspective
You give your problems too many names because you like to decorate your problems. If you decorate your problems you may not want to get rid of them.Truth Wisdom Problems
There are over hundred billion galaxies, not hundred billion stars; In such a huge vast cosmos our solar system is like a speck. Tomorrow morning if the whole solar system evaporates, nobody is going to miss it. In that super speck, right now Chennai is a micro super speck. In that you are a big man - that is the whole problemFunny Perspective Being human Universe
In my experience I am the richest person on the planet. Maybe I don't have a bank balance but I own the whole cosmos within myself in my experience. I have the richest experience of life and this is importantLife Philosophy Perspective Experience
Do you know what it takes to remain uneducated? Education is just twenty years of going somewhere and getting one certificate. To remain uneducated, it's very difficult because from the day you're born, your parents, every other adult, the school - everybody is trying to educate you about something that's not worked in their lifeEducation Funny Sarcasm
Now you're calling your success with somebody as love, that's a mistake. You have a success story with somebody - that is, you have created pleasantness in the atmosphere between you and the other person. You're calling that love; no that is actually success because that needs lots of management.Love Marriage Relationship Success
The most important thing that's happening to you right now is life itself, not the fancy thoughts you have, not the emotions you have, not financial arrangements, nor family or whatever rubbish you have built around you- these are accessories to life, these are all frills. Frills are so much you're missing the skirt, that's the whole problem with youFunny Life Truth Wisdom
You need to look at why you want a break from work. If you were doing something that you truly care about, would you want a break?Philosophy Truth Work
When heaven-sellers lose the market, the drug-sellers will gain. In this cusp, making Humanity Conscious enough to experience nameless ecstasies of one's interiority is the challenge of our timesFunny Religion Truth Self realization
Let us create an absolutely selfish world. That means what I want for myself, I want for everyone in the world.Love Inclusiveness World
The choice is either you fix yourself or you try to fix the truth. With one you will attain to the highest, with the other you turn into trashTruth Wisdom Lie Choice
Youthfulness is about how vibrantly alive you are, not when you were bornShort Humor
With age your aliveness need not go down. If it is going down, you're committing suicide in installments.
If you think you are big, you become small. If you know you are nothing, you become limitless.Philosophy Short Wisdom
The moment you are born, you have a death sentence upon you. When, where and how is the only question. Your death is confirmed.Death Funny Truth Wisdom
If you lose your humanity just because someone is doing something stupid in the world, have you done any good to yourself or the world that you live in?Philosophy Truth Question Humanity
[About Sexuality] First thing, you make something which is so simple and basic into right and wrong. Then you want to find a philosophy to subvert the wrong and still have it.Funny
If you don't have a sense of involvement, you will always try to get the best deal out of somebody. That means you must meet the dumbest people in the world. Intelligent people will never bite your dumb deals.Truth Intelligence People
Confidence and stupidity are a very dangerous combination, but they often go together.Short Truth Wisdom
I always found people coming out of restaurants have more joy on their faces than those coming out of a temple or church. What a shame that a dosa can do something more than the divineFunny Joy People
We have to make people realize that God doesn't need soldiers who fight for himGod Wisdom Humor
Yoga makes old people young in terms of energy & rejuvenation; and young people old in terms of thought & wisdomWisdom Thought Yoga People
If it hurts to hear it, look for the truth in it. If it comforts to hear it, look for the lie in it.Truth Wisdom Lie Comfort
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. 
I know not with what weapons World War 3 will be fought, but World War 4 will be fought with sticks and stones. 
Experience is merely the name men gave to their mistakes. 
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog. 
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times. 
It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt 
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. 
If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't understand it yourself. 
When you're alone, if you feel lonely, obviously you're in bad company 
In the universities somehow the faces are longer; maybe it's the weight of knowledge or something. 
Our presence here is just for a short period of time. We do not have to shorten it by fighting each other 
I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being good all the time. That would be hypocrisy. 
Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep 
True love is felonious... You take someone's breath away... You rob them of the ability to utter a single word... You steal a heart. 
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. 
It's easier to love God because it's always easy to love somebody who is not here now, it's so easy. But if you have to love somebody who is sitting next to you right now, it costs life 
Once you have a child it's a twenty year project. That is if they do well, if they don't do well it's a lifelong project 
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. 
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. 
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. 
The intellect is like a knife - the sharper, the better. As long as you know how to handle it. 
The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything, except what is worth knowing. 
People hasten to judge in order not to be judged themselves. 
She is very clever, too clever for a woman. She lacks the indefinable charm of weakness. 
I must be a mermaid, Rango. I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living. 
Passion is like gasoline in the tank, but you also need a steering wheel to go where you want to go 
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. 
Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit. 
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. 
Give up trying to make me give up 
I may not agree with you, but I will defend to the death your right to make an ass of yourself. 
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. 
Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hell in such a way that they ask for directions. 
I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself. 
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. 
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. 
A woman, especially if she have the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can. 
Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice. 
If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf. 
Work is the curse of the drinking classes. 
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the road less traveled by and they CANCELLED MY FRIKKIN' SHOW. I totally shoulda took the road that had all those people on it. Damn. 
Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes. 
Yes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world. 
Alec: "How do you manage never to get mud on your clothes?", Isabelle: "I'm pure at heart. It repels the dirt." 
Now, the trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed. 
Shortcuts make long delays. 
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. 
There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want. 
A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. This was said by gene wilder... what does it mean? 
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!
Friendship is far more tragic than love. It lasts longer.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
Desire is not the source of all misery, unfulfilled desire is the source of all misery.
if you are going to make people around you joyful and relieved only when you die, that's not a good way to live.
Whatever happens, you getting depressed is not a solution. You getting depressed would be one more problem
If you nurture the root, you don't have to bother about the fruit - it will come naturally.
You don't have to be better than everyone else, but you have to be at your best.
New is a trap, old is a cesspool. If you jump out of the cesspool into a new trap, that's not going to help
You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.
It is what you read when you don't have to that determines what you will be when you can't help it.
Sometimes a man wants to be stupid if it lets him do a thing his cleverness forbids.
Love thy neighbor -- and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.
Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing.
Everybody is a book of blood; wherever we're opened, we're red.
How do you tell a Communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It's someone who understands Marx and Lenin.
More conflict is happening within the four walls of the homes than is happening anywhere on the planet. Only thing is bombs are not exploding so you don't hear it. They may be giving each other silent treatment.
You cannot rise in love, you cannot stand in love, you cannot fly in love, you have to fall. Something of you should fall, otherwise it will not work. You will not know it.
When you were 3-4 years of age you're 100% for marriage, not yours your parents', again when you become 45-50 again you're 100% for marriage, but between 18-35 you're questioning the whole process. Because where the physical body is dominant, at that time if you give in to that then it will question every institution
Fear means you're producing horror movies in your mind. Tch.. Nobody else is willing to watch. That's bad for the producer, but you are producing them. So, you produce something else - produce a comedy, a love story..
People think teenage is problem, middle age is problem, old age is problem. What is not the problem? Only death.
Loosen up a bit - laugh more, get involved with people around you, do simple things. If you only do very important things, you will become dead serious
If you learn to laugh at your own stupidity, all your crap will turn into manure very fast. And manure is good for growth
Intelligent ones wonder - idiots are dead sure.
Whether I keep you half alive or you keep yourself half alive, whichever way- it's torture
You don't have to please anybody in this world, if you are truly joyful everybody is pleased by you
Smartness is in knowing our foolishness
Contentment is a poor substitute for joy. It means you have given up on the possibility of living joyfully
To love the person who is next to you is the biggest challenge. To love somebody who is not here is always easy
Before you and I came here on this planet, a countless number of people have walked on this planet, where are they? All topsoil. You will also be topsoil unless someone buries you real deep fearing you may rise from the dead
Yet each man kills the thing he loves, By each let this be heard, Some do it with a bitter look, Some with a flattering word, The coward does it with a kiss, The brave man with a sword
Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success.
You must have a cigarette. A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, and it leaves one unsatisfied. What more can one want?
I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am.
"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." I really hate this expression. I bet fish would totally want bicycles.
If you are a believer, you know your God is waiting for you when you die, why don't you go? why are you delaying your progress towards God by going to hospitals? It is because you are not a true believer
You people are cutting people's bodies; this is like murder but with good intention. If the consequence is good it's called a surgery, if consequence is bad it's called a murder, isn't it? Same knife.
You give your problems too many names because you like to decorate your problems. If you decorate your problems you may not want to get rid of them.
There are over hundred billion galaxies, not hundred billion stars; In such a huge vast cosmos our solar system is like a speck. Tomorrow morning if the whole solar system evaporates, nobody is going to miss it. In that super speck, right now Chennai is a micro super speck. In that you are a big man - that is the whole problem
In my experience I am the richest person on the planet. Maybe I don't have a bank balance but I own the whole cosmos within myself in my experience. I have the richest experience of life and this is important
Do you know what it takes to remain uneducated? Education is just twenty years of going somewhere and getting one certificate. To remain uneducated, it's very difficult because from the day you're born, your parents, every other adult, the school - everybody is trying to educate you about something that's not worked in their life
Now you're calling your success with somebody as love, that's a mistake. You have a success story with somebody - that is, you have created pleasantness in the atmosphere between you and the other person. You're calling that love; no that is actually success because that needs lots of management.
There's an enormous possibility on Facebook, you can even love those people who don't even exist
The most important thing that's happening to you right now is life itself, not the fancy thoughts you have, not the emotions you have, not financial arrangements, nor family or whatever rubbish you have built around you- these are accessories to life, these are all frills. Frills are so much you're missing the skirt, that's the whole problem with you
You need to look at why you want a break from work. If you were doing something that you truly care about, would you want a break?
When heaven-sellers lose the market, the drug-sellers will gain. In this cusp, making Humanity Conscious enough to experience nameless ecstasies of one's interiority is the challenge of our times
Let us create an absolutely selfish world. That means what I want for myself, I want for everyone in the world.
The choice is either you fix yourself or you try to fix the truth. With one you will attain to the highest, with the other you turn into trash
Clarity is a consequence of handling your confusion consciously.
With age your aliveness need not go down. If it is going down, you're committing suicide in installments.
If you think you are big, you become small. If you know you are nothing, you become limitless.
Ultimate intelligence is when you know how to keep your intellect aside.
An idle mind is Divine's workshop. An Idler's mind is devil's workshop.
The moment you are born, you have a death sentence upon you. When, where and how is the only question. Your death is confirmed.
If you lose your humanity just because someone is doing something stupid in the world, have you done any good to yourself or the world that you live in?
![[About Sexuality] First thing, you make something which is so simple and basic into right and …](/i/quotes-pictures/11/248-sadhguru-sexuality-funny.png)
[About Sexuality] First thing, you make something which is so simple and basic into right and wrong. Then you want to find a philosophy to subvert the wrong and still have it.
If you don't have a sense of involvement, you will always try to get the best deal out of somebody. That means you must meet the dumbest people in the world. Intelligent people will never bite your dumb deals.
Confidence and stupidity are a very dangerous combination, but they often go together.
The more it matters who said it, the less it actually matters.
I always found people coming out of restaurants have more joy on their faces than those coming out of a temple or church. What a shame that a dosa can do something more than the divine
If you are content with who you are right now, you are not aware who you could be if you were willing to strive.
Yoga makes old people young in terms of energy & rejuvenation; and young people old in terms of thought & wisdom
What meditation means is, in one way, you are just withdrawing the support for your personality.
