Humor Quotes: Humor sayings, quotations, picture quotes

The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter.

Short Laughter

Peeing is like a good book in that it is very, very hard to stop once you start.

Short Book Reading Simile

'Classic' - a book which people praise and don't read.

Short Witty Book People

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

Short Witty

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Short Witty Society People

I like men who have a future and women who have a past.

Short Man woman

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Short Witty World

I never put off till tomorrow what I can possibly do - the day after.

Short

If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself.

Short Secret

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

Short

Half of seeming clever is keeping your mouth shut at the right times.

Short Wisdom Silence

The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.

Short People

A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open.

Short Witty Mind Simile

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Short

Always laugh when you can, it is cheap medicine.

Short Laughter

There are three types of lies -- lies, damn lies, and statistics.

Short Truth Lie

On the highest throne in the world, we still sit only on our own bottom.

Short Truth

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

Short

I don't do what I'm told, but I might do what you want if you ask me nicely.

Short Sarcasm Attitude

I know how devastated you must be to miss me, but leave a message, and I'll try to ease your agony

Short Sarcasm

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir... mighty scarce.

Short Man woman

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.

Short

We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.

Short

Just for the record, the weather today is calm and sunny, but the air is full of bullshit.

Short

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Funny Perspective

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Funny Science Sarcasm Light

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.

Funny Inspirational Society

I am not young enough to know everything.

Funny Short Witty Sarcasm

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

Funny Nature Humanity

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

Funny

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Funny Silence Advice

If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it's either a new woman or a new car!

Funny

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.

Funny Memory

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Funny Short Insult

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Funny Belief

Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.

Funny Inspirational

Humor is reason gone mad.

Funny Short

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Funny Witty Women

Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing.

Funny Witty Laughter Food

I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist

Funny Hate

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

Funny Short Work

If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company.

Funny Loneliness

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

Funny

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.

Funny Relationship Women

(On Soul Mates) Body needs a mate, understandable, mind needs a mate to some extent. The soul if it needs a mate, it's a lost soul

Funny Soul Mind Body

Fear means you're producing horror movies in your mind. Tch.. Nobody else is willing to watch. That's bad for the producer, but you are producing them. So, you produce something else - produce a comedy, a love story..

Funny Witty Fear Mind

There is no one moment of ease, simply. These structured societies where you have house mortgage which is for thirty years, a car mortgage which is for ten years, an education loan which is twenty two years - you got a life term. You're doing your time in an open prison.

Funny Life Truth Reality

Not that smart. Not that hot. Not that nice. Not that funny. That's me: I'm not that.

Funny Short

Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.

Life Short Wisdom Experience

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.

Life Short Success Ignorance

Live simply so others may simply live.

Life Witty

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

Life Wisdom

That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.

Life Positive Attitude Perseverance

An intelligent person is constantly hesitating with life, with every step he wonders whether what he is doing is okay or not, but a fool is absolutely confident.

Life Wisdom

Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.

Life

The best of us must sometimes eat our words.

Life Short Mistake Words

I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

Life Short Fear Reality

Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.

Life Wisdom Perspective

Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.

Life

One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us.

Life Philosophy Sarcasm

We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.

Life Truth

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Life Short Perspective

Calvin: Life's a lot more fun when you aren't responsible for your actions.

Life Short Truth Responsibility

Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a regular basis.

Life Habit

If you're a bird, be an early bird, and catch the worm for your breakfast plate... But if you're a worm, sleep late.

Life

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Life Honesty

Life is like a confused teacher...first she gives the test and then teaches the lesson

Life Life lessons

It's not the men in your life that matters, it's the life in your men.

Life Short Witty Men

Life is a journey. Time is a river. The door is ajar

Life Short

Don't take life too seriously. Punch it in the face when it needs a good hit. Laugh at it.

Life

I may not agree with you, but I will defend to the death your right to make an ass of yourself.

Witty

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Witty Book Reading

Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hell in such a way that they ask for directions.

Witty Art People

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.

Witty Advice

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

Witty

A woman, especially if she have the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.

Witty Women Knowledge

Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.

Witty Thought

If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.

Witty Writer

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

Witty

Women like a man with a past, but they prefer a man with a present.

Witty Women

Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.

Witty Power

Yes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.

Witty

Alec: "How do you manage never to get mud on your clothes?", Isabelle: "I'm pure at heart. It repels the dirt."

Witty

Now, the trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed.

Witty

Shortcuts make long delays.

Witty Life lessons

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.

Witty Knowledge Sarcasm

There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.

Witty

Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something.

Philosophy

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people we personally dislike.

Philosophy Morality Attitude

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Philosophy

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Philosophy Short

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.

Philosophy Time

Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them

Philosophy Children

Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away.

Philosophy

The trouble is you can shut your eyes but you can't shut your mind.

Philosophy Short Mind

A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.

Philosophy

Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun.

Philosophy Religion Short Suffering

There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who believe there are two kinds of people in this world and those who are smart enough to know better.

Philosophy People

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Philosophy Opinion

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Philosophy Perspective Universe

Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

Philosophy Wisdom

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

Philosophy

Doing nothing is better than being busy doing nothing.

Philosophy Short

Delaying death is one of my favorite hobbies

Death Short

Many people die at twenty five and aren't buried until they are seventy five.

Death Life Witty

Life isn't fair, it's just fairer than death, that's all.

Death Inspirational Life Short

I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.

Death Fear Suffering

It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.

Death Life

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Death Life Short Fear

If you live each day as it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right

Death Life

Eating, sleeping, reproducing, dying - every other species does it effortlessly. Why do human beings make such a fuss about it?

Death Being human

Y'all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.

Death Short

Would it hurt to die?

Death Short Question Hurt

It kills me sometimes, how people die.

Death Short People

It's easy to cry when you realize that everyone you love will reject you or die.

Death Love

No one is actually dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away...

Death Memory

I am sick to death of cleverness. Everybody is clever nowadays.

Death Short People

Death: "There are better things in the world than alcohol, Albert." Albert: "Oh, yes, sir. But alcohol sort of compensates for not getting them.

Death

Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that.

Death Hate

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

God Life Short

All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.

God Life Short

I would believe only in a God that knows how to dance.

God Philosophy Short

I would like to see anyone, prophet, king or God, convince a thousand cats to do the same thing at the same time.

God

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

God Short Silence

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

God Money People

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.

God

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.

God

If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be one nation gone under.

God Politics

A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.

God Hope Short Perspective

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.

God Poetry Religion

All the miserable people in the world think there is something wrong with the creation; all the miserable people in the world think Creator has made a mistake

God Problems Mistake Creation

God's Final Message to His Creation: 'We apologize for the inconvenience.'

God Short

We are all atheists about most of the gods that humanity has ever believed in. Some of us just go one god further.

God Philosophy Religion Belief

There is not enough love and goodness in the world to permit giving any of it away to imaginary beings.

Love Religion

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

Love Religion

Man may have discovered fire, but women discovered how to play with it.

Love Relationship Short Man woman

Everyone's a little crazy. Some people just hide it better than others.

Love Short Romance

You can never be wise and be in love at the same time.

Love Short

We love our children just the same even if they are exchanged in the hospital, so it is just your willingness to include somebody, it doesn't have to come from your body, if you are willing it is possible to love anybody

Love Philosophy Wisdom Children

Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.

Love Romantic Short

One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well.

Love Food

I loved you like a man loves a woman he never touches, only writes to, keeps little photographs of.

Love Man

Love is like a brick. You can build a house, or you can sink a dead body.

Love Analogy

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.

Love Short Food

Neither 'love' nor 'evil' conquers all, but 'Evil' cheats more.

Love Short Evil

I love mankind ... it's people I can't stand!!

Love Short People

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Truth Women Man woman

To the man who only has a hammer, everything he encounters begins to look like a nail.

Truth Perspective Man

It is perfectly monstrous... the way people go about nowadays, saying things against one behind one's back, that are absolutely and entirely true.

Truth People

All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.

Truth Problems Humanity

A man's true character comes out when he's drunk.

Truth Character People

A man who trusts everyone is a fool and a man who trusts no one is a fool. We are all fools if we live long enough.

Truth Trust

Never trust a mechanic who drives new cars. They're either charging too much money for their work, or they can't keep an old car running - maybe both.

Truth

No one believes a liar. Even when she's telling the truth.

Truth Belief

Intelligent ones wonder - idiots are dead sure.

Truth Witty Reality Intelligence

On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.

Truth

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Failure Short Positive Attitude

One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.

A goal without a plan is just a wish.

Goal Inspirational Short

To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.

I just did some calculations and I've been able to determine that you're full of shit.

When we don't know who to hate, we hate ourselves.

Hate Short

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.

Nature Individuality

Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on.

Anger Short

It's far better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone - so far.

Loneliness

A library is like an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance, particularly if the library is very tall and the surrounding area has been flooded.

Ignorance

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning do to do afterward.

Laughter

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.

Science Witty

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.

Relationship Short Truth Wisdom

Common sense is not so common.

Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.

Education Witty

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

Change Short Mind

Without education, we are in a horrible and deadly danger of taking educated people seriously.

Education Ignorance

All war is a symptom of man's failure as a thinking animal.

Failure Short War Thinking

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.

Maybe this world is another planet's hell.

Earth

The hardest thing of all is to find a black cat in a dark room, especially if there is no cat.

Imagination Knowledge Mind

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

Work

The heaviest penalty for declining to rule is to be ruled by someone inferior to yourself.

Politics

Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.

Failure Truth Fear Mistake

There is freedom of speech, but I cannot guarantee freedom after speech

Freedom Short

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

Inspirational Short

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

Inspirational Life Expectation

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Beauty Funny Opinion

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

Marriage Relationship Man woman Idea

No matter how bad things are, you can always make things worse.

Inspirational

You accomplish more with a smile, a handshake, and a gun than you do with just a smile and a handshake.

Smile

It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.

History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

History Short

I prefer to think that I'm a liar in a way that's uniquely my own.

Humanity takes itself too seriously. It is the world's original sin. If the cave-man had known how to laugh, History would have been different.

History Laughter Humanity

Young people don't always do what they're told, but if they can pull it off and do something wonderful, sometimes they escape punishment.

Children

The only reason why we ask other people how their weekend was is so we can tell them about our own weekend.

People Humans

Indeed I have always been of the opinion that hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing to do.

Work Opinion

For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbors, and laugh at them in our turn?

Laughter

A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.

Imagination Love Women

Beauty fades, but cooking is eternal.

Beauty Women

I am too fond of reading books to care to write them.

Book Reading Writer

There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Politics Short Insult

FEAR stands for fuck everything and run.

Short Fear

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

Short

A short story is a different thing altogether - a short story is like a quick kiss in the dark from a stranger.

Amateurs sit and wait for inspiration, the rest of us just get up and go to work.

Work Writer Writing

The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.

Forgiveness People

If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember.

I think that if God forgives us we must forgive ourselves. Otherwise, it is almost like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him.

Forgiveness God

I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.

Friends People

Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.

Science

Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.

Music makes one feel so romantic - at least it always gets on one's nerves - which is the same thing nowadays.

Music Romantic Sarcasm

Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.

Simile

there is always one woman to save you from another and as that woman saves you she makes ready to destroy

Relationship Women Man woman

Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.

Imagination Insult Literature

Did perpetual happiness in the Garden of Eden maybe get so boring that eating the apple was justified?

Happiness

I must be a mermaid, Rango. I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living.

Short Witty Fear

In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.

Science

Why is it that when one man builds a wall, the next man immediately needs to know what's on the other side?

Human nature

Marriage is a fine institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Freedom Marriage Short

The world was my oyster but I used the wrong fork.

Short Witty World

Consistency is the hallmark of the unimaginative.

Imagination Short

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

Short

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Happiness Laughter

Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.

Short

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Short

There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages.

Punctuality is the thief of time

Short Time Witty

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer

Short

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Short Witty

Adam was but human- this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.

If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.

Short

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.

Short

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

History Short Writer

The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon.

Politics

Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.

Short

Tact: the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

Short

Boredom: the desire for desires.

Desire Short Truth

The visionary lies to himself, the liar only to others.

Short

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Short Time Future

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Courage Life

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

Short

I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.

Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often.

Short Morality

The intelligence of that creature known as a crowd is the square root of the number of people in it.

Intelligence People Insult

You have a grand gift for silence, Watson. It makes you quite invaluable as a companion.

Silence

My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.

Short

I've always been very confident in my immaturity.

Short

What people forget is a journey to nowhere starts with a single step, too.

I don't want to be alone, I want to be left alone.

If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed.

Book Reading

Do not be so open-minded that your brains fall out.

Short

The trouble with the world is not that people know too little; it's that they know so many things that just aren't so.

World People

That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: 'Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.'

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

Book

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Politics

Everyone's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's really an easy way: Stop participating in it.

Responsibility

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.

Inspirational Attitude

Art without emotion is like chocolate cake without sugar. It makes you gag.

Emotions Art

Government exists to protect us from each other. Where government has gone beyond its limits is in deciding to protect us from ourselves.

Politics

The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.

Happiness

Progress just means bad things happen faster.

Education Life Philosophy Truth

The truth will set you free. But not until it is finished with you.

Freedom Truth

When I was your age, television was called books.

Short Book

We spend the first year of a child's life teaching it to walk and talk and the rest of its life to shut up and sit down. There's something wrong there.

Education Children

You know how it is with cats: They don't really have owners, they have staff.

Short

I have lived with several Zen masters -- all of them cats.

Peace Short

Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

Short

There's one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him; if he says yes, you know he's crooked.

Honesty Man

I'm an atheist and I thank God for it.

Religion Short Witty

I always say, better ask forgiveness than permission.

Forgiveness Short

The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.

Short Writing

The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite insane.

Thinking

Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others.

Politics Short

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Anxiety's like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you very far.

Simile

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Morality

If you can't run, you crawl. If you can't crawl-- you find someone to carry you.

Inspirational

If trouble comes when you least expect it then maybe the thing to do is to always expect it.

It's not me who can't keep a secret. It's the people I tell that can't.

Secret

If anyone tells you that a certain person speaks ill of you, do not make excuses about what is said of you but answer, "He was ignorant of my other faults, else he would not have mentioned these alone."

History Philosophy

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.

As a general rule...people ask for advice only in order not to follow it; or if they do follow it, in order to have someone to blame for giving it.

Advice People Human nature

A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed.'

Short

A well-read woman is a dangerous creature.

Education Women Reading

The Creator made women to please the eye, and to boggle the mind.

Short Truth Women Mind

I only sleep with people I love, which is why I have insomnia.

Short

Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others.

Perspective

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

Laughter World

What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.

Creation Man

If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them.

Short People

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

Family Advice

A writer is someone for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people.

Writer Writing

Good humor may be said to be one of the very best articles of dress one can wear in society.

Society

Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.

Time Children Book Writing

People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Inspirational Positive Attitude Action

Do your thing and don't care if they like it.

If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.

Feminism is the radical notion that women are human beings.

Women

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Food

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

Religion Short

Women always worry about things that men forget; men always worry about things women remember.

Women Memory Men

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man, then complain he's not the man she married?

Marriage Man woman

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.

Family Marriage

You're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.

The word "good" has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his grandmother at a range of five hundred yards, I should call him a good shot, but not necessarily a good man.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Sometimes a woman needs a man for company, no matter how useless he is.

Interviewer: 'So Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman?', Frank Zappa: 'You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?'

I'm building a dream with elevators in it.

Short

I can calculate the motion of heavenly bodies but not the madness of people.

Knowledge Ignorance People Human nature

All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.

Humanity World

When I'm not longer rapping, I want to open up an ice cream parlor and call myself Scoop Dogg.

The nuclear arms race is like two sworn enemies standing waist deep in gasoline, one with three matches, the other with five.

War Enemy

Before you judge me... I plead guilty

Short

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

Religion Short

People go on marrying because they can't resist natural forces, although many of them may know perfectly well that they are possibly buying a month's pleasure with a life's discomfort.

Marriage Nature Pleasure

You should always waste time when you don't have any. Time is not the boss of you.

Time

Sweater: Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.

Short Feeling

I've always been famous, it's just no one knew it yet.

Short

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Failure Funny Short Success

How do you tell a Communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It's someone who understands Marx and Lenin.

Politics Witty

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires

Children

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.

Revenge may be wicked, but it's natural.

Short

I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.

Religion Problems People

Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.

Marriage Sarcasm

Myth is much more important and true than history. History is just journalism and you know how reliable that is.

History Inspirational Insult

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

Short

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Beauty Short

intelligent are hesitant, stupid are confident

Intelligence

I thought people are getting married to multiply their joy. If they are getting married to multiply their misery I think we need a law to stop this

Marriage

If you don't know what you're talking about, the best thing is to shut up. Silence will breed wisdom.

Wisdom Silence

People are capable of suffering just about anything. If you send them to heaven they will suffer because they will miss hell.

Suffering People

We prefer to see "winners" as "naturally talented" rather than "hard-working." Because if it were reversed, what would that imply about us?

Success

There are no 'get rich quick' schemes. That's just someone else getting rich off you.

I've gotten really hot since you went blind.

Short

Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.

Short

Honestly, if you were any slower, you'd be going backward.

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Short

Nothing like watching your relatives fight, I always say.

Family Short

Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success.

Friendship Witty Suffering

I'm Dylan. I'm so cool. I want to date myself, but I don't know how! You want to date me instead? You're so lucky!

"What do you want?" "Just coffee. Black - like my soul."

Short Soul

Jem is nothing but goodness. That he struck you last night only shows how capable you are of driving even saints to madness.

The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means.

Short

Sometimes you lose a battle. But mischief always wins the war

Short War

Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate you.

Short

If there was such a thing as terminal literalism, you'd have died in childhood

Insult Literature

I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.

People

"You're an idiot." "I've never claimed to be otherwise."

Short

Parents are like God because you wanna know they're out there, and you want them to think well of you, but you really only call when you need something.

Family God

You speak an infinite deal of nothing.

Short Witty Insult

"Most fathers don't threaten to disembowel their daughter's boyfriends." "That's not true. And anyway, that's not what I actually said. It was much worse."

Google can bring you back 100,000 answers. A librarian can bring you back the right one.

There are some people you like immediately, some whom you think you might learn to like in the fullness of time, and some that you simply want to push away from you with a sharp stick.

Friends

I am tired of myself tonight. I should like to be somebody else.

Student: Dr. Einstein, Aren't these the same questions as last year's [physics] final exam? Dr. Einstein: Yes; But this year the answers are different.

Science

I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.

People

Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space.

Science

The homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only - and that is to support the ultimate career.

Family

I always channel my emotions into my work. That way, I don't hurt anyone but myself.

Emotions Hurt

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently, I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Thinking Opinion

I warn you, if you bore me, I shall take my revenge.

Short

The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.

Hate Love Friends Knowledge

I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.

Happiness Life

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

It is very unnerving to be proven wrong, particularly when you are really right and the person who is really wrong is proving you wrong and proving himself, wrongly, right.

I don't know who invented high heels, but all women owe him a lot!

Short Women

When you're drowning you don't think, I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me. You just scream.

Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men.

Men Book

I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.

Short

And I have one of those very loud, stupid laughs. I mean if I ever sat behind myself in a movie or something, I'd probably lean over and tell myself to please shut up.

Laughter

Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.

Poetry Darkness Light

"Do you hate people?” “I don't hate them...I just feel better when they're not around."

Hate People

I suppose I'll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies.

Short Enemy

Everyone thinks you make mistakes when you're young. But I don't think we make any fewer when we're grown up

Mistake

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Laughter Book Reading

Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing after all.

Short Men

I enjoy talking to you. Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind except that you happen to be insane.

Mind

They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.

Short

'Are you always a smartass?' Nope. Sometimes I'm asleep.

Short Sarcasm

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.

Short People

Just keep asking yourself: What would Jesus not do?

Religion Short Choice

Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen.

Idea Writing

I have never listened to anyone who criticized my taste in space travel, sideshows or gorillas. When this occurs, I pack up my dinosaurs and leave the room.

Individuality Writing

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

Short

Well, that's your opinion, isn't it? And I'm not about to waste my time trying to change it.

Time Opinion

How is it possible to have a 'civil' 'war'?

Funny War

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

Heart Short Light

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Short

I want to be with those who know secret things or else alone.

Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.

Time

There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.

Book Reading

Any fool can make a rule And any fool will mind it.

Laugh whenever you can. Keeps you from killing yourself when things are bad. That and vodka.

Laughter

A woman who doesn't wear perfume has no future.

Future

Because you can't argue with all the fools in the world. It's easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they're not paying attention.

Google' is not a synonym for 'research'.

Short

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.

Insult

All great literature is one of two stories; a man goes on a journey or a stranger comes to town.

Literature Writing

Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?

In old days books were written by men of letters and read by the public. Nowadays books are written by the public and read by nobody.

Writing

You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.

Body Spirit

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I have lived a great deal among grown-ups. I have seen them intimately, close at hand. And that hasn't much improved my opinion of them.

A dame that knows the ropes isn't likely to get tied up.

Relationship Short Women

Those unable to catalog the past are doomed to repeat it.

History Short Past

Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that's where it should stay.

Book Literature Writing

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Forgiveness

To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem.

Politics Problems People

Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.

Short People Words

"We'll never survive!" "Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has."

Those who restrain desire do so because their's is weak enough to be restrained.

Desire Self control

I have no objection to anyone's sex life as long as they don't practice it in the street and frighten the horses.

The funniest people are the saddest ones

Short Sadness People

I may not be a role model, but I most definitely could be motivation for a lot of people in the hoods.

People

Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.

Inspirational Wisdom

Evil isn't the real threat to the world. Stupid is just as destructive as Evil, maybe more so, and it's a hell of a lot more common. What we really need is a crusade against Stupid. That might actually make a difference.

Evil World

Wickedness is a myth invented by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others.

Morality People

My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.

Short

Every year, many, many stupid people graduate from college. And if they can do it, so can you.

People

A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.

Short Book Writing

People who count their chickens before they are hatched act very wisely because chickens run about so absurdly that it's impossible to count them accurately.

People

Give me just enough information so that I can lie convincingly.

Lie Writing

You want to remember that while you're judging the book, the book is also judging you.

Book Reading

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

Funny

I lie to myself all the time. But I never believe me.

Short Belief Lie

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Hate Short

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch.

Short Food

Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.

Relationship

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

Relationship Women Man woman

There is no sinner like a young saint.

Short

Don't leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his real girlfriend.

Relationship Women Advice

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Education Life Short

Don't pay any attention to what they write about you. Just measure it in inches.

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

Inspirational

Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

Funny Life Short

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.

Women

Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple

Funny

Definition of rock journalism: People who can't write, doing interviews with people who can't think, in order to prepare articles for people who can't read.

Music Writing

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

Work

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Short

When I was a boy the "Dead Sea" was only sick.

Short

How could I be sleeping with this particular man... Surely only true love could justify my lack of taste.

Interpretation is the revenge of the intellectual upon art.

Art

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

Art

You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm. It's really funny.

Funny Sarcasm

You should try not to talk so much, friend. You'll sound far less stupid that way

Silence

Armageddon was yesterday, today we have a serious problem.

Short Problems

I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.

Short Perseverance

It's not that I want you to go, it's just that I don't want you to stay.

If you wish to be a success in the world, promise everything, deliver nothing.

Short Success World

The young people think the old people are fools -- but the old people know the young people are fools.

I think everybody's nuts.

Short Truth Humans

'Now what state do you live in?' 'Denial.'

Short

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Short

The fact is, the heart and mind aren't always friendly. And in my case, they're barely speaking.

Heart Mind

Makin' mistakes ain't a crime, you know. What's the use of having a reputation if you can't ruin it every now and then?

Mistake

your mind is like an unsafe neighborhood; don't go there alone.

Mind

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Sometimes you look back at girls you spent money on rather than send it to your mum and you realise witchcraft is real

Funny Sarcasm

No intelligent idea can gain general acceptance unless some stupidity is mixed in with it

Acceptance Humanity Intelligence Idea

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Funny Witty

"It's not like there's a law against flying." "Yes, there is. The law of gravity."

I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.

Education Intelligence People

If more government is the answer, then it was a really stupid question.

Funny Politics Short Question

Philosophers are usually out-of-work men - not many women philosophers, isn't it? Out-of-work men have an explanation as to why they're out of work, so they keep churning up philosophies.

Funny Short One liners Man woman

[About Cloning] There is a pleasurable way of creating children, I don't see why you're wasting billions of dollars in a laboratory. I am only talking about when still women are able to bear children. it doesn't matter what you call it, you're just producing a human body which is alive - means the life process is there with all the ingredients

Funny Life Science Women

A whole lot of people are living like aliens. When you live here without any involvement or belonging, you are an alien, isn't it?

Question People

Sun came up on time today morning. None of the planets in this solar system collided today. In the whole universe no accidents, in this endless cosmos no accidents, everything going great but you have one nasty little thought crawling in your head and it's a bad day, you've completely lost perception with life

Funny Wisdom Perspective Perception

It doesn't matter which religion, which nonsense you belong to, the moment you get God's stamp on what you believe in, that's it, you don't have to apply your intelligence and see what you are doing with life

Funny God Religion Belief

Using yoga just as a therapy is like using an airplane as a bus

Funny Short Witty Analogy

I feel the youth of today should get little more in terms of physical activity, (if this continues) maybe after sometime only two thumbs will remain, because the only thing they do is text

Funny

Twitter is a way to broadcast messages to hundreds of millions of people to find the few dozen that you actually want to talk to

People

An early exit for your startup is a mirage in the desert. If you thirst for it, it disappears.

Technology is not only the thing that moves the human race forward, but it's the only thing that ever has. Without technology, we're just monkeys playing in the dirt.

Humans

If you don't want to go to the meeting right now, your future self won't want to go to it later, either.

If you want to be successful, surround yourself with people who are more successful than you are, but if you want to be happy, surround yourself with people who are less successful than you are.

Funny Happiness Success People