Mark Twain quotes
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. 
A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes. 
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times. 
The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time. 
Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other. 
You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. 
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're misinformed. Mark Twain Funny quotes ⇑
Funny Quotes
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. 
Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more. 
If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it. 
I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened. 
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. 
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. Mark Twain Short quotes ⇑
Short Quotes
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. 
Mark Twain Humor quotes ⇑
Humor Quotes
It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them. 
I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up! 
There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages. 
Adam was but human- this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent. 
The trouble with the world is not that people know too little; it's that they know so many things that just aren't so. 
There's one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him; if he says yes, you know he's crooked. 
What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey. 
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. 
I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them. 
If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be-a Christian. All Mark Twain quotes ⇑
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.
Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe.
Books are for people who wish they were somewhere else.
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to reform (or pause and reflect).
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
Loyalty to country ALWAYS. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.
Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.
You meet people who forget you. You forget people you meet. But sometimes you meet those people you can't forget. Those are your friends
Give every day the chance to become the most beautiful day of your life.
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time and your government when it deserves it.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.
The Bible has noble poetry in it... and some good morals and a wealth of obscenity, and upwards of a thousand lies.
![How easy it is to make people believe a lie, and [how] hard it is to undo that work …](/i/quotes-pictures/2/495-mark-twain-belief-rationality.jpg)
How easy it is to make people believe a lie, and [how] hard it is to undo that work again!
In the beginning of a change the patriot is a scarce man, and brave, and hated and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot.
The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.
The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and starting on the first one.
The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.
After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.
The difference between the 'almost right word' and the 'right word' is really a large matter. It's the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning.
In a good bookroom you feel in some mysterious way that you are absorbing the wisdom contained in all the books through your skin, without even opening them.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.
It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you to the heart: the one to slander you and the other to get the news to you.
Be good and you will be lonesome.
There isn't time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that.
Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.
Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates.
A person that started in to carry a cat home by the tail was getting knowledge that was always going to be useful to him, and warn't ever going to grow dim or doubtful.