George Carlin quotes
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure. 
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. 
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? 
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it. 
Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes. 
I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic. 
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. George Carlin Funny quotes ⇑
Funny Quotes
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. 
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. 
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be. 
The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept. 
He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a 'HE', because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly. 
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. 
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? 
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. 
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was." 
George Carlin Short quotes ⇑
Short Quotes
George Carlin Humor quotes ⇑
Humor Quotes
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently, I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions. 
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? 
If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked. All George Carlin quotes ⇑
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
Don't just teach your children to read... Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.
Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.